Parents – dos and don’ts
Do:
- give as much reassurance to your child as possible;
- give repeated advice about what is happening in ways that they can understand;
- be receptive to their enquiries and perceptions;
- encourage the child in pursuing a relationship with the other parent;
- reassure the child that you as parents can manage your own affairs: that they need not be responsible for helping you; and
- encourage your child to talk about his or her feelings, particularly about the other parent, in a way that encourages them and overcomes an sense of divided loyalties.
Don’t:
- be critical of the other parent;
- do anything that would undermine the child’s relationship with the other parent;
- “lean on” older children or ask them for advice;
- ignore children’s feelings or questions;
- assume that children who are quiet or placid on the outside are not suffering – they still need reassurance and tolerance; and
- above all else, don’t involve the children in your own battles.
Grandparents dos and don’ts
All too often, wider members of the family are affected by a divorce. Their feelings of sadness and loss are often overlooked. So far as grandchildren are concerned, here is a list of things to bear in mind in order to help them as much as possible.
Do:
- be careful about giving advice, unless this is specifically asked for, as your perception of events however valid will be different to your own child’s;
- allow other people to help as well, and provide a breathing space;
- respect your grandchildren’s confidence – it may be easier for them to talk to you; and
- make your time available to help look after the grandchildren, because this is the time when your own child’s energies and patience are fully stretched. Assisting in basic child care or other domestic chores can help especially in the early days.
Don’t:
- criticise your son-in-law or daughter-in-law to the grandchildren.