There are many emotions which could be tumbling around inside you: at a guess, there may be sadness, anger, and a hefty dose of grief about the loss of your intact family and the traditions built up for Christmas over a number of years. It doesn’t matter whether you were the one who did the leaving, or the one who was left: Christmas is hard for everyone who is going through a divorce.
The most important thing, of course, is to put the children first at this time. You may indeed find it cathartic to do so, and focus on them and rather than your own sense of ambivalence or loss. So what is the best thing to do at Christmas? What is the best way to handle the festive season so that you all come through into the New Year unscathed?
There are two fundamental options for parents who have separated when dealing Christmas. You can either spend it together, or you can spend it apart.
Spending Christmas together with the spouse from whom you have separated is a very difficult decision. Some parents of very young children find that this is the most acceptable option: they are both able to spend the special day with their little ones, who often don’t notice that Mummy and Daddy are sitting in separate rooms most of the time. It goes without saying that this option is only viable if everybody is completely committed to making it work and promoting a peaceful, happy environment for the children, whatever their real feelings about each other. If there are older children who understand a bit more about the situation, this approach is not likely to work – if there is any animosity at all between you and your spouse, the children will feel it and find the situation stressful whether or not you are both putting on a brave face.
However, once the dust has settled, some former couples are able to have a really lovely Christmas day with their children, and even also with new partners. Jude Law and Sadie Frost are known to be taking this approach this year. It gives children the reassurance that their parents still can present a united front and be at ease in each other’s company, if only for one day once a year. It sends a powerful message that despite all the difficulties, the children are the most important thing to their parents at Christmas.
For most separated couples, however, spending the day together is unrealistic. The general approach is to spend the festive period apart, each parent seeing the children for a specific amount of time over the holidays. For couples who live relatively close together, it might work if one parent has the children through Christmas Eve and up to Christmas Day morning, and the other has them for Christmas Day to Boxing Day, or onwards from there. This kind of approach allows the creation of new traditions which is a very important part of Christmas after separation. It could be that the children are allowed to open presents from the parent with whom they are spending Christmas Eve on that day, or that a special meal is prepared and eaten on Christmas Eve. A frequently-heard complaint of children whose parents have separated is that they are required to eat more than one Christmas dinner (sprouts and all!) in order to satisfy both parents, let alone any other relatives who also feel that this is there duty to “do the Christmas thing”. Doing something very different is often much easier to bare for everyone than a modified version of the way things used to be.
Another Christmas flashpoint for separated parents can revolve around presents. It really is important to discuss this with your former partner to make sure that duplication or disappointment are avoided, and also that the children don’t end up being too spoiled! When one parent wants to give the children everything they want and the other one would prefer some restraint, this can lead to arguments and resentment which both of you could do without. The essential thing to remember is that it doesn’t have to be a competition: the children want your time and attention, and this really is the greatest gift you can give them at Christmas.
Sometimes all the goodwill in the world is not enough to stop parents from falling out over the arrangements for their children. Sadly, this happens all too often at Christmas. Tensions tend to run high and people can be unreasonable: indeed, this translates to a big queue of frustrated parents and their advisors at the doors of the family courts. The courts do get very clogged up at this time of year with Christmas contact problems, and some judges quickly run out of patience. However, this is not so in every case: Helen Bowns, an associate in Mills & Reeve's Birmingham office, remembers,
“I had a Christmas contact case that went before the court on Christmas Eve. The children had to go to the court too, to speak to CAFCASS about their wishes and feelings, which was a horrible thing to have to do on Christmas Eve. Once the issues were resolved, the judge called the children into his room and gave them a present and some sweets. It really made what was a stressful time much more enjoyable. I remember the children happily spinning round on the judge’s chair - it just showed that he was a human being, and I feel it really helped the children deal with the situation.”
The sad fact is that no matter what the strength of your case, it can be difficult to get a fair hearing or an opportunity to put it forward at this time of year. The courts close over Christmas, and many solicitors also close for ten days over the festive period (although Mills & Reeve will be fully-functioning over the festive period, except for public holidays) so there may in fact be very little you can do, in practical terms, if arrangements break down.
The best antidote to this situation is to start thinking about Christmas early next year. Make a date in your diary to discuss arrangements with your former partner at the beginning of November, so that each of you has a measure of certainty and some time to get used to the plans before Christmas hits. A basic default position is that each year might operate on the reverse basis of the previous one: if one parent has the children one year for Christmas Eve, the next year it will be the other parent’s turn.
Another really important point to remember at Christmas as the children get older is that they will have their own ideas about what they want to do. It is always important to avoid putting your children in a position where they feel they are expected to perform in a certain way, or want a certain thing. As they get older, they will resent whichever parent they perceive to be stopping them from doing what they really want to do. Although children do not always have the right answer, it is important to listen to what they want and to find some way of incorporating at least an element of that into your planning. You also have to be prepared, when you ask your children what they want, for an answer that does not accord with your own preferences.
Christmas is a terribly stressful time. It requires a real commitment to your children to make it as special and magical post-separation as it was before. But it is only one day out of 365: surely grown ups can put their own feelings to one side for just that time?
Suzy Ashworth