If it is affecting you, it is likely to be impacting on your children as well. Even if your children are not directly abused, they may know what is happening to you. Changes in their behaviour - increased anxiety, bed wetting or nightmares - can signify a problem.
It is unlikely you will be able to change an abuser’s behaviour. The abuser is responsible for their actions, not you. Blaming a victim for the problems that exist is a common occurrence. However if they blame you, they are not accepting responsibility and their behaviour is unlikely to change.
Fundamentally, if you are in immediate danger, call 999. You can also put the police on notice about what may happen so they treat your call as a priority. The police can arrest an abuser and remove them from the property. In some cases, although not all, they will be charged and either kept in custody or released on bail subject to restrictions for your protection. Those restrictions can prevent you from being contacted by that person.
If you feel in danger, leave the property and take your children with you. Do not leave you or them in a vulnerable position. Your safety is too important. There are ways to secure your re-entry into your home with the protection of either the police or a court order.
Talk to someone who can help - family or neighbours - so you have somewhere to go in an emergency. Specialist agencies can also offer helpful and practical advice.
You must understand your rights. Contact a family law solicitor who can advise you on your legal rights and the options available.
You can apply for an injunction called a non-molestation order, which prevents you or your children being pestered or threatened. Breach of a non-molestation order is a criminal offence and the abuser can be arrested if they breach the order.
Equally you may also be able to obtain an occupation order. This allows you and your children to live in your home without the abuser. A power of arrest can be attached to this order so the abuser can be arrested by the police if he returns to the property. You may also be entitled to change the locks on your home, although specialist advice should be taken on this point.
When dealing with the aftermath of either a single incident, or more likely and more damagingly a series of events over time, you may need to consider limiting your children’s contact with the abuser - often their father, although not always - in order to protect them from further harm. Any risk needs to be balanced against the children’s entitlement to have an ongoing relationship with them. Contact should take place if it remains in the children’s interests - it is not about the parents’ rights.
Courts can impose conditions on contact, including supervision (at contact centres, or with family members) and specify how handovers should take place. Contact can also be limited to telephone calls and emails. However, it will usually only be stopped if that is what is right for the children.
Simon Bethel and Sue Brookes