New situations
“The first time is the hardest” – this is felt by all divorced people. Each first anniversary or Christmas, any occasion that was shared as a family before, is likely to be the most difficult. After this, it is not usually so hard. This is partly because new routines displace old ones.
It helps to substitute past family rituals with new ones. For example, Christmas can be marked by spending it in a different place. Children’s birthdays can become routinely celebrated twice – once with each parent.
New routines and expectations around significant events can be developed. This eases the pain of letting go, and carries the message that there is a new way to live in the future.
Plan in advance what to do differently. This reinforces the message that it is possible to build a new life with new sources of pleasure.
But celebrations and rituals underscore an important fact. When children are involved, you are never free of your former spouse. There will be a relationship between parents as long as there are children and the welfare of your children depends largely on your willingness and ability to cooperate.
New relationships
Most people eventually become involved with new partners. If this happens before the separation, the marriage breakdown becomes more complicated and heated:
The other spouse must deal with the extreme effects of the affair, as well as with the breakdown of the marriage.
Children are often unreasonably expected to take on a new relationship as well as cope with the trauma of their family break-up.
Timing is important. Avoid the impulse to introduce your new partner too soon.